From the Sage MinderNew concept
So, you have figured out that mom should not be driving anymore or all the siblings agree that dad needs in-home nursing care. Great - the decision is half the battle. But, how do you talk to someone about it? Maybe it is a sibling you have to talk to – to get more help with taking care of your parents. Whatever the tough conversation, it sometimes helps to be prepared and to follow some basic guidelines for the best chance of avoiding conflict and maintaining good relationships.
Hard conversations are those where you think the other person may not be thrilled to hear what you have to say. They take some amount of courage because you cannot be sure of the reaction and you are guessing that the reaction may involve anger, tears or some other negative emotion.
One of the main reasons for the negative emotions is that we have tendencies to get defensive, blame others, or say things in ways that cause the other person to misunderstand us. One way to reduce the blame and defensiveness is to use “I” statements. In this way, you are “owning” what you have to say. For instance, rather than saying “you never help me with mom” you can say “I would like more help with mom.” This is a very different statement and is hard to argue with. I statements are what you see, what you think, what you feel and what you want. No one can argue with these and few people will get overly defensive about them.
“I see………..
“I think……….
“I feel……….
“I want…………
You fill in the blanks. Let’s say your 91-year old dad dented the car again and you are pretty sure he is not capable of driving safely and you are concerned.
“Dad, I see that you have dented the car – that is the second time in one month. I think you are having trouble driving safely and I feel very concerned and worried about your safety. I want you to make a doctor’s appointment with me so we can get his opinion on whether you should be driving.”
Now, dad will not be happy with this because he may not realize he has a problem, he may not want to face the coming lack of independence that will happen if he can no longer drive, etc. But, by owning all your statements and using only your observations, thoughts, feelings, and requests – you are avoiding some of the natural defensiveness that would come if you had said “dad, you can’t drive anymore – you are dangerous to others and if you don’t stop driving, I’m calling someone….”
Your “ask” for what you want in the “I want” part of this should be rather specific. You should avoid saying to a teenager for example: “I want you to respect me” and say something more like “when I talk to you, I would like it if you would look at me, not roll your eyes, and respond in a normal civil tone.”
So, here is a downloadable worksheet for any touchy conversation to get your thoughts down and below are the steps you can take:
*If you are having this conversation with a loved one and other family members, one person should do most of the talking so that the person does not feel overwhelmed or “ganged up” on. And all the members should use “I” statements.
No conversation tool or formula is guaranteed to make a perfect and smooth conversation, but using the structure outlined above can help organize your thoughts and prepare you. The most important thing to keep in mind is that denial is common and there are often strong emotions to deal with like sadness, grieving, fear, or anger. Treating the subject with tact, respect, patience, and understanding during these difficult life events is primary. Remembering the love and respect you have for one another is key.
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